Saturday, 30 March 2013

One armed dwarves and daffodils

So it's the 'silly season' .............and bugger me, never before have I needed a drink more than I need one now! And I am going to have several and I may have a headache tomorrow but surely it can't be worse than the headache that I have had today!
You see, for the last 3 months I have hibernated like a hedgehog and at this moment I am just as prickly. I am not going to stew - this blog will be cathartic. Yes, I am using new  words and yes, I have just asked a very clever friend if that's in the right context and even if it isn't I am going to use it anyway.
It's my blog so I shall write what I want - ok???
I have been pushed, jostled, told off, moaned at and almost harrassed over the last couple of days and let's face it - for those that know me, I'm not known for my sweet nature and tolerance at the best of times. Add that to the fact that there will be no easter eggs passing my lips and it does not make me a happy ( easter obviously ) bunny.
I returned home today after driving around town and dodging the tourists. The sun was shining so today it was fat arses in shorts and not cossacks or peasants. I know my arse is also fat but I reserve the short wearing until at least June or July and usually in the privacy of my own garden. Anyway, by June or July I will have snake like hips after all the dieting and now I'm waffling.
Back to the story - I stood outside and was having a yap to Morag and Lucy across the road about the current local predicament of dogs on beaches ( this is a whole different story and I will do it on another day ) when Mr and Mrs Tourist and Mrs Granny Tourist elbowed their way between us. Morag is a lot more polite and nicer than me and she said ''oooh sorry'' and I pointed out that if the ignorant a-holes had said excuse me then we would have moved anyway.
We dodged people walking in the middle of the road, we screeched to several halts as people threw their babies in buggies in front of us, we listened to various different accents saying that we shouldn't be allowed to drive on the orads in town in the summer, we waited patiently while dozens queued for a pasty. At this point I may have still been smiling.
My friend Lisa that works for me was jostled in a narrow cobbled street, another person fell down some stairs, another had a tummy upset, another had a sore back and this was all before lunchtime. I managed to stay relatively calm until Mr and Mrs Tourist felt the need to barge and then before I knew it - it was hometime! The smile had gone.
Lisa did manage to make me laugh though when she told me about a one armed dwarf she saw yesterday doing what she thought was urinating outside one of the cafes in broad daylight. She could see him from behind and could see he was missing an arm and could see the other arm was pointing down and could see a hot steaming liquid splashing onto the pavement. All guns blazing she charged up ready to say ''OY WHAT THE HELL?'' but then realised he was holding a thermos flask with his one hand and was simply emptying its contents.
That made me LOL PMSL and ROFLMAO all at once.
And to  counteract the gloom of this story here are some daffodils in one of the pretty little backstreets with the late morning sun warming their joyous and opulent petals.
And on that jolly note I am throwing some a slice over my ice right now x

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