So today is September 27th. I make it precisely 89 days until December 25th. I am not going to say the C word as it's ages away and I think it's downright wrong that it is being pushed in our faces already. Enough, people! Please!
Ok I am notoriously humbuggish* with regard to 'that' time of the year but even if I did have a little bit of joy in my cold heart for fluffy snowmen and advancing wise men and fat old men in red suits getting stuck up my chimney, I certainly wouldn't be letting it show just yet. No way.
And at the danger of sounding even older than I am and turning all of these blogs into some sort of nostalgia fest, when you're a grown up, it just isn't the same as back in the day.
I did used to like the festive season when I was a little girl. Of course I did - all I had to do was rip open the presents that I had been given so what's not to like?
But when you're the one having to buy and wrap up the said gifts then it's a different matter entirely.
I want to go shopping for food that isn't mince pies and nibbles.
I don't want to see adverts on the telly.
I certainly don't want to see statuses from people on Facebook saying that they have 'nearly finished' their shopping when I am wearing flip flops and trying to keep my feeble tan alive.
I do quite like it the week or so before, and I am not completely miserable but it's just all too soon.
One day out of a year will not make you like family members that you can't normally sit in the same room as without palpitating , and showering your kids with hundreds of pounds worth of gifts will not turn them into nice balanced people.
It hit home about 10 years ago, when the pile of pressies under my tree threatened to take over my whole house. It spread like an advancing mud over the floors and almost into other rooms. It disgusted me a bit. The reason that it disgusted me was that....................and I know it's a cliché, but some kids and adults have nothing , not even food or water and it's just wrong.
Every year I say that the following year I will do something worthwhile and every year I get sucked in. I will say that it's less and less as my family grow older and I don't have to jostle outside toy shops etc, but I still feel slightly dirty at the whole greed / expense thing.
BUT - I shall revert to list to tell you what I do like.
1. Brussel sprouts
2. Chocolate
3. Champagne for breakfast
4. The film 'Love Actually'
5. New pyjamas
6. Cold meat and pickles
7. Christmas carols
8. Peace on earth etc
9. A cheeky karaoke session
10. Lidl's turkeys - they have a little pop up plastic thing stuck in their breast which shoots out when it is cooked.
So I do get into it when I try, just not 89 days beforehand.
And here are a few more of the things that make me growl
1. Useless gifts. I do not want bubble bath in a pretty bottle with a teddy bear clutching it koala style.
2. Trees going up too early.
3. People like Delia and Kirsty bloody Allsop telling you how to make it perfect by making sure your stollen cake has enough yeast and entwining sprayed twigs to hang from your mantelpiece.
4. Rowdy drunks outside my window.
5. The inappropriate older relative who will always throw some controversial comment into the genteel chit chat of dinner
6. Earrings that light up
7. The marzipan bit on Christmas cakes
8. People bulk buying nuclear war style in Tescos
9. Tescos in general
10. Noisy toys
I could add more but I wont.
89 days to go and I reckon I shall maybe start shopping in about 70 of them.
I will be going out to lunch with my gay friends Butch and Princess the day before, I will come home and peel all my veg and the following day I will stare lovingly at the plastic thingy on my turkey.
I will see the people going to the church next door to me, the proper fire will be lit through the day, my dogs will have special jumpers that only make them cuter than ever and the girls will love whatever I have bought them.
Hopefully there will be a film involving Hugh Grant, Leanne will give me some lovely chutney and some of the presents that I buy from World Vision ( chickens for families, vaccinations for babies ) will be received with the love and care in which I sent them .
I'm not all bad.
* Humbuggish is not a word but I feel it should be.
3. People like Delia and Kirsty bloody Allsop telling you how to make it perfect by making sure your stollen cake has enough yeast and entwining sprayed twigs to hang from your mantelpiece.
4. Rowdy drunks outside my window.
5. The inappropriate older relative who will always throw some controversial comment into the genteel chit chat of dinner
6. Earrings that light up
7. The marzipan bit on Christmas cakes
8. People bulk buying nuclear war style in Tescos
9. Tescos in general
10. Noisy toys
I could add more but I wont.
89 days to go and I reckon I shall maybe start shopping in about 70 of them.
I will be going out to lunch with my gay friends Butch and Princess the day before, I will come home and peel all my veg and the following day I will stare lovingly at the plastic thingy on my turkey.
I will see the people going to the church next door to me, the proper fire will be lit through the day, my dogs will have special jumpers that only make them cuter than ever and the girls will love whatever I have bought them.
Hopefully there will be a film involving Hugh Grant, Leanne will give me some lovely chutney and some of the presents that I buy from World Vision ( chickens for families, vaccinations for babies ) will be received with the love and care in which I sent them .
I'm not all bad.
* Humbuggish is not a word but I feel it should be.
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